You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
