just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
