I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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