When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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