I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
