Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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