I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
