i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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