Pappa wants mamma naked
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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