What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
