Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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