One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
