Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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