Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
