How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
