Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
