can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
