You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
