I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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