I think I died a long time ago.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
