Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
