Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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