My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
