Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
