Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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