i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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