I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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