I didn't shave. On purpose
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
