I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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