Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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