can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
