update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
