I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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