I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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