I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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