im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
