Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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