I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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