Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I want her autograph on my taint
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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