Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
