just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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