so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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