Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
