Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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