my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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