I puked a lego.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize