Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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