I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
