Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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