Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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