woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
