Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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