mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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