careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
