he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
