shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Randomize
