I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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